Electric Startup

October 25, 2005 | Red Jocks

I’m talking to you right now… 9:12pm, Craving to be near you!

You’re right, this is so sudden and spontaneous but shouldn’t it be? Why does everything get ruled by invisible boundaries! I won’t waste your time with honorable intentions. There’s no point waiting, words storm my head when I smile alone and I’d rather be surrounded by you. – The secret to life is to be HAPPY – It might be sudden and confusing, even CRAZY, but you make up for everything I lack. This cross-road and chaos made beautiful by the hour, I don’t want it to be deprived of trying… I’m not a little boy, I am ESTEBAN!

I want to hold you and make your fears dissolve forever, to simply talk face to face, share a bottle of RED again. I’m not forgetting your pain of circumstance. Time is a great healer! It can all be better than this. I’ve been blind for too long, and never thought I’d find stability abroad. I can only speak about things I know, I’m not interested in small talk, this IS REAL. – I can’t tell you why or how it happened now? I don’t have all the answers but I can follow a path when I see one. I love that things are not always perfect. If things were, we wouldn’t need each other. I want to be the hope you seek!

They’re there somewhere? Behind years and layers. Welling up like an ocean in the sky, out of sight and invisible to the torrent that is life below. Forgetting the days by name and living for the weekend. Sorting daydreams from harsh truth like giant turning pages, captivated by regaining the ability to speak through text, rationalizing the journey to date. I step back often, removing myself like a spectator without intent. Hanging up to avoid prolonging disappointment, I’ve become my second shadow. Holding on…

I’m confused. Sometimes it feels like I’m trapped in a whirl-wind, faced by the same conversations and issues, discussed over and over. Each time I‘m convinced I’ve reached a conclusion and made a clear decision for the best course of action, only to be faced with the same issues… lost, I forgot my words.

I don’t recognize myself of late. Some days are definitely harder. It’s weird when you stop to think and analyze the hours. How everything’s supposed to fit into place. Watching fingers pluck at strings, what it must have sounded like the first time? Invisible in the moment but obvious over time. I feel your thoughts as though they were mine.

Today I’m someone else, and through their eyes a hero. It’s okay to feel! It’s been a long journey. I think it while I’m sleeping. I’ve been all these things, been in all these places… felt safe, like the last audible sound wave that escapes this world.

The suspense is everywhere in the thought of tomorrow, the questions asked today and the fears that lie ahead. My minds voice hijacks the silence between each breath! Like reflections in rock pools, simply to notice and become more aware, I’m part of this journey too! We have to handle the future with respect.

I have the decency to respond, that’s enough for me. I’ve learnt that it takes all types to make the world go round and we can’t love everyone… can’t all get along! Sometimes it’s a guessing game. Is it meant to be this way? Thoughts of you enter my mind, you know me well enough, perfectly.

You made me do it again! I’m like a chicken without a head, too many words and not enough fingers to record them all… Would you believe me if I told you I’ve had writers’ block since relocating to this hole. I’ve had nothing but blank pages for months… then YOU!!! I don’t understand it, but I like it.

All I have to do is get you to give me but one chance at fate. And all the while I’m aware of your present situation, your heart… I’m really sorry, I apologise for smudging my torrent of verbal paint your way… but you deserve to know. I do feel exposed and stupid all the same for exploding in text like this, just say the word and I’ll stop!

Stop messing with my head like this, I dig that you do actually give a shit! Your head is in the right place, I’m impressed. You’re a completely new person to me, who would’ve known?